The Week in Which Sasori Did Not Speak To Deidara
by snowflake98
Summary: Even if Sasori does let Deidara boss him around, he definitely doesn't want their friends to hear about it. Crack. Sasodei, Deisaso


**I wrote this when I was in between computers. I do not know where the hell this came from. Enjoy. DX**

* * *

"Daaaaaaaanna~!"

"Fuck. I just sat down. _Fuck,_" Sasori swore violently, thrusting his cup of (overpriced) Starbucks coffee in Hidan's direction. The zealot accepted the cappuccino without a word except a hiss of thanks, and the redhead sitting opposite to him jumped up from the table.

"Ah ah ah." Kakuzu hummed and stopped him from leaving. "Bribe needed," he said.

Sasori swore again but slid a five dollar bill across the table.

"Five? I can only guarantee a two second head start," Kakuzu said, sighing.

"Ten, and you point him in the wrong direction," Sasori haggled, sliding over another five.

"Twenty, and I tell him you're out of town."

"Fine!" Sasori snapped, panicking. He added a ten dollar bill to the stack, but the blonde terrorist had already caught up to him. Kakuzu tried to pull the money out from under his grasp, but Sasori glared at him and withdrew his offer, folding the money and stashing it in his pocket.

Hidan snickered and downed the coffee. "If you wouldn't have fucking tried to nab the bitch's whole paycheck, you would've made a buck, 'Kuzu."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes and ignored Hidan.

Deidara smiled at Sasori, his eyes sparkling, and then wrapped his arms around Sasori's shoulders. He hugged the shorter man tightly. It was a touching scene, really; Deidara was holding Sasori as if they had not seen each other for years on end, and it would have been all too perfect if Sasori were not about to suffocate in the blonde's arms.

"Oi, bitch. Let him go. I don't wanna help you bury the fucking body. I don't like you that damn much," Hidan said finally, and Sasori gave him an approving thumbs up, shortly before a very miffed Deidara released him and sat down beside him.

"Up yours, Hidan," Deidara muttered.

"Nah," Hidan said. He threw the empty (foam? plastic? paper? what the hell was it made out of anyway?) cup into Sasori's hands. "That's where Kakuzu is, I don't think both you fuckers will fit up-fucking hell! 'Kuzu, you bitch." He whined, holding the side of his head where a bruise was already appearing. "Fuck you with something rough and sandpaper-y."

"Don't worry, Hidan," Kakuzu said, smirking. "I'll go out later and find you some sandpaper. Maybe it'll help you satisfy your intense desire to take it up the ass every three hours."

"Bitch, it was five hours. There were five damn hours between those two fucking incidents."

Sasori stared at them and had an intense desire to claw his ears off.

"Can we not talk about this? You're causing brain breakage in Danna, un," Deidara grumbled.

"Don't fucking act like you two don't screw the sanity out of each other, too. It's just when nobody's fucking looking," Hidan snapped.

Sasori stopped Deidara from answering. "Hidan, it stopped being 'when nobody's looking' when you video taped us and put it on Youtube."

"I got banned, but it was fucking worth it," the albino said, an evil glint in his eyes.

"Alright, ignoring the obvious problems with Hidan's head—"

"—The only fucking problem with it is Kakuzu bruised it—"

"Yeah, well, whatever," Sasori continued. "Deidei came here to tell that he's getting that surgery on his eye, right? And that's all?"

"Yeah, un," Deidara said, happily. "They're gonna put a little chip in my eye to fix it. They thought it was weird that it was only my left eye, though."

Hidan snickered. "Fucker's lopsided," he muttered to himself.

Sasori smiled prettily for Deidara. "Oh, is that all you needed to tell us? That's great. So yeah, kthnx, bye now."

"I just got here, Danna. Un," Deidara said, smiling just as prettily. "And I'm not going anywhere."

"Ah hah hah," Sasori laughed. "Well, look at the time, didn't know it was so late-"

"Danna, go get me a caramel frappe, will you?"

Sasori got up, grumbling, and went to the counter to do as asked.

Hidan looked at Kakuzu, disbelieving, then to Deidara and back. "Why's the fucker let himself be pushed around like that?" he demanded to know. "Red could easily beat the shit out of Blondie!"

"'Cuz I got something he wants, un," Deidara said, smirking.

"What is it?!" Hidan demanded. Seriously. He had to get his hands on whatever the fuck it was. If he had that kind of power over Kakuzu, who knows the crazy shit he'd make the money-whore do?

"Sex," Deidara answered. "It's our sex night, and he's going to do whatever the fuck I tell him to today because he. Wants. This." He posed and pointed a finger down between his legs.

Sasori banged the cup down in front of the blonde.

"Huh?" Deidara asked, surprised, but then he smiled and took the cup. "Oh, thank you, Danna."

"I'm not talking to you for the rest of the week," Sasori replied curtly. He twirled his keys around his finger and ignored the blonde's spluttering. "Hidan, you owe me for the coffee. Because of Kakuzu," he added, making sure Hidan knew who to blame, "And Kakuzu, make sure he stays off of Youtube and out of Radioshack. The bastards who work there refused to let me return the five video cameras he bought. Using my card."

"I can't promise anything without a bribe, buddy."

"Stick it up your ass," Sasori said. "And since you're too cheap to buy sandpaper, I'll lend you some." Kakuzu grinned at the joke (he could laugh at himself, you know) and shook his head.

"Nah. Okay, I'll make sure," he vowed.

"Kthnx. Peace out." Sasori left without turning to look at Deidara; the blonde sat there with an expression that said "LOL WTF JUST HAPPENED" and Hidan reached for the frappe (Deidara was too shocked to care).

One caramel frappe later, Kakuzu stole Deidara's wallet and went to drive Hidan to the hardware store. There was much sandpaper to be bought.

(And later that night, Sasori showed up at Deidara's house. He tried to talk his way out of whatever mess he had created, but Deidara stopped him. "Ah ah ah," he said, pulling out some duct tape. "No talking.")


End file.
